This is an article I wrote for a parenting magazine in 2006.. I always think of it when my daughters start to talk about who they want to be this Halloween so, in celebration of the Season of Bad Candy, here’s my thoughts on lessons learned from who kids choose to be for Halloween:
“As the mother of two daughters (7 and 4), I’ve loved watching the evolution of their choice of Halloween costumes. For the first year or so, they had no choice and I’m horrified by the “cute” costumes we subject our babies to! I think that we’ve pretty much covered all the Disney princesses and I daren’t calculate how much money I’ve spent in Disney Stores over the years. I’m always the mother in the Disney Store on October 29th with the anxious look on her face as I’m neither organized enough to buy a costume when the sales are on nor creative enough to make costumes for the girls myself.
Each year in September, the question starts looming – “who DO you want to be for Halloween?”. The answer will be determined by whatever movie or TV show or book has influenced your child most that year.
It made me wonder who we, as grown women, would choose to be if we had one day a year to dress up as the character who had inspired us or influenced us most that year. As I was mulling over the idea for this article – while unloading the dishwasher – my seven year old walked into the kitchen wearing the red wig from her Little Mermaid costume, a pink boa from a dance costume, the dress from her Cinderella costume, shoes from Snow White and makeup from her rock star costume.
The result was something uniquely her. Yes, she’d brought together elements from many characters but the final result was something quite unique (although I did get a fleeting vision of Cyndi Lauper in her early days!).
She no longer looked like a cookie-cutter princess, available (at a price) from any Disney store. She brought all these different looks together to create something with her unique mark on it.
In that moment, my daughter taught me some valuable lessons about living your best life…
After avoiding Facebook and Twitter like the plague for the longest time, I finally succumbed and joined them. In all honesty, I still don’t completely “get” Twitter. However, I am completely addicted to Facebook!
For someone like me, who lives 3,000 miles away from “home” and who has had so many different lives, there is something so comforting about having your “world” in one place where you can see the faces and feel connected to the people who make up your life.
I have my personal Facebook page and have just launched a Facebook page for Stand Up, Mama!
If you’d like to be connected in this way, please click here to become a fan.
For some time now, I have wanted to identify a charity that I could support through my coaching practice. I have chosen The White Ribbon Alliance for Safe Motherhood. I will donate 10% of my coaching fees to this charity and will also hold some events specifically to raise money to support this wonderful Alliance.
If you would like to donate to The White Ribbon Alliance or join their events and activities, please click hereto visit their website.
Many mothers in modern countries often bemoan the loss of their “old life” when they become mothers. What we too often forget is that millions of women each year literally lose their lives during childbirth. Here is some information from The White Ribbon Alliance’s website:
“The White Ribbon Alliance for Safe Motherhood is an international coalition of individuals and organizations formed to promote increased public awareness of the need to make pregnancy and childbirth safe for all women and newborns in the developing, as well as, developed countries.
The white ribbon is dedicated to the memory of all women who have died in pregnancy and childbirth. In some cultures, white symbolizes mourning and in others it symbolizes hope and life. The white ribbon represents this dual meaning globally. The White Ribbon Alliance not only works to sustain life and hope for all women, but also mourns and honors those women who did not survive pregnancy or childbirth.
The White Ribbon Alliance represents an opportunity for new partnerships to work together to advance women’s health and women’s rights everywhere. The WRA:
Educates its members and member organizations through seminars, working groups etc.;
Creates with its members educational, communication and technical materials for use by members and others;
Organizes policy efforts directed at national and local governments to increase funding and programs for Safe Motherhood;
Supports and assists countries (other than the U.S.) to create a national White Ribbon Alliance (i.e. Nepal, Indonesia, India, Madagascar, Vietnam etc.).
Since its launch in 1999, the White Ribbon Alliance has been a leader among those holding governments and institutions to account for the tragedy of maternal mortality. With members in 142 countries and National Alliances established in 14 – Burkina Faso, Bangladesh, India, Indonesia, Kenya, Malawi, Nepal, Pakistan, Rwanda, South Africa, Tanzania, Uganda, Yemen and Zambia – WRA is amplifying the voices of people suffering from the greatest burden of morbidity and mortality of complications due to pregnancy and childbirth.”
A much-loved family tradition for the past few years has been our annual trip to the Big Apple Circus at Lincoln Center in New York City. We used to live near Lincoln Center – it’s where my oldest daughter learned to walk – and I would often see the performers from the Circus in the supermarket or post office.
Having seen them perform such stunning feats in the Circus, I was always somewhat surprised by how ordinary they appeared in regular life. I don’t mean that in any derogatory way – simply, that they weren’t striking or exceptional in any way.
One year, as I watched the Circus, I was struck by something that seemed to me to be a perfect analogy for what I believe is involved in living your best life. Each and every performer was using something unique about them to create something exceptional.
The incredibly slim guy with the tiny hips was perfectly created to soar high in the air when the man with the unbelievably broad shoulders sent him flying. The woman who could bend and twist her body in unimaginable ways was simply using a gift that she was born with and taking it to its absolute extreme. She was quite ordinary in line at the checkout counter. She was simply extraordinary when using the natural talents and physical attributes she was born with. And, don’t even get me started on the man in the tights …
So, what is YOUR circus act? I’m not talking about juggling because that’s just inherent in being a mother. Many days, I feel like a juggler, lion tamer and ventroliquist (“say please, say thank you …” said through clenched teeth) rolled into one. I’m not talking about the skills you’ve been forced to learn. I’m talking about the character traits, physical attributes and talents that you were born with.
When do YOU feel extraordinary?
What comes effortlessly to you that others find hard to do?
This can be tough to answer as we often assume that everyone finds certain things easy to do simply because we do. Trust me, there is something about YOU that is extraordinary and you don’t have to run away and join the Circus to find it. Although, there are days when that’s a very tempting thought!
Please spend a few moments looking back on your life and thinking of the times you felt most glorious. What were you doing? Where were you? Does your present life give you any opportunity to feel that same way?
Send me an e-mail and let me know what came to mind for you.
I just returned from the final part of my Master Coach training with Martha Back. It was referred to as the “intensive” part of the training and that word describes it on every level. It was an extraordinary experience and I left feeling as if every cell in my body had lined up to its perfect position.
At one point during the retreat, we were asked to describe our vision for our coaching practice. As I thought about it, the image of Oprah and Billy Crystal came to mind and the idea that they had a daughter who happened to be extraordinarily white and a lapsed Catholic but who – in every other way – represented their core qualities. From Oprah, the intense desire to encourage people to live their best lives and from Billy Crystal, the ability to move people to laughter or tears by the telling of stories.
My husband and I bumped into Carol Burnett near Lincoln Center in New York when my oldest daughter was just a baby. She actually stopped to make conversation with us – commenting on how adorable our daughter was. She was especially cute if I do say so myself.
As someone who grew up in England, I actually had NO idea who Carol Burnett was although I could sense that she was “someone” just by her sense of self and presence. My husband brought me up to speed as we walked away.
Since then I’ve become a huge fan of her work. She truly was a trailblazer for women in what is still a field dominated by men. This clip is one of my favourite clips of her work.
I love the following quote from “Alice in Wonderland” :
“Alice laughed: “There’s no use trying,” she said; “one can’t believe impossible things.” “I daresay you haven’t had much practice,” said the Queen. “When I was younger, I always did it for half an hour a day. Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.”
During the seven months of my Master Coach training with Martha Beck, I not only believed things that seemed impossible, I also did things that seemed truly impossible.
One assignment, “write a 1,000 word essay on a journey to hell and back you have taken in your own life”. This essay will then be reviewed and critiqued by Martha Beck (who is one of my favorite writers). My initial response to this, “Holy Sh*t!&*&*&*&!!! And while I’m at it, I’ll whisk up a souffle for Gordon Ramsay and play a cello concerto for Yo Yo Ma.”
And yet, I did it, and I did it pretty damn well as it turned out. Turned out we were a group of amazing writers. Just sayin’.
The final part of the training was a four day onsite intensive training in Huntington Beach at the beginning of August. This involved many rings of fire for us to jump through including coaching in front of Martha (with many unknown distractions thrown in for good measure), doing improv comedy in front of Martha (which I found challenging because that was something I “should” be good at). Oh, and then, put yourself in a ring with a horse who, having been abused by humans in the past, had very little reason to like them. That small detail wasn’t intentionally created as part of the training. It just so happened that the horses assigned to us had been saved from abysmal living conditions and slaughter by a wonderful stable. It was an absolute honor and privilege to work with these amazing animals and there was a great deal of mutual healing in the process.
So, during the past seven months, I have believed and done things that would have seemed absolutely impossible prior to the training. As a result, I feel AMAZING!!!
I am so thrilled and truly satisfied to have become a part of the tribe of Martha Beck Master Coaches. An extraordinary group of women who continue to challenge me to keep thinking at least six impossible things before breakfast each day.
To the wonderful group of women I trained with I want to say a heartfelt thank you and a huge I LOVE YOU!!! You are my FAVORITES!!!!! Getting to know each and every one of you made 2009 one of my very best years ever.
At the final dinner of the onsite training, Martha Beck invited us to share what we plan to have done/be doing by August 2010. The goals I’ve set to achieve by August 2010 are:
- to self-publish my first book by March 15, 2010 (my 42nd birthday);
- to finish writing my one-woman show and to have performed it at American and Canadian festivals. My WIG (Wildy Improbable Goal) is to perform the show at the Edinburgh Festival in August 2010. The working title of the show is “My British Fanny” – which won’t surprise friends who’ve seen my stand up show!
- to create an improv coaching workshop for middle school girls;
- to become a “horse whisperer” and to add this to my coaching practice – the work with the horses was just EXTRAORDINARY! Thank you for this amazing experience, Koelle!
I started doing Stand Up Comedy almost a decade ago. It was something I’d always wanted to do and becoming a mother made me determined to finally stop talking a big game and actually do it!
Over the years, I’ve noticed that many of the things I’ve learned in stand up comedy are great lessons for living life to the full. I’ll be talking more about these things in future posts but here’s a list of what stand up comedy can teach you about living your most satisfying life.
You should always be striving for your “A” Material – when you go on stage as a stand up comic, you’re looking to make people laugh as much and as hard as possible. Your intention is not to make them simply smile or perhaps giggle. No, you’re going out to really give them your best material – your A laughs. Over the ten years since my first stand up gig, many of my original A laughs have become B or C laughs in comparsion to new material so they’ve either been removed from the set or rewritten to get them back up to my A game. Some of the material has stood the test of time and continues to get the biggest laughs.
Too many of us settle for our B or C lives. We think it’s selfish to pursue our A life. Or that we’ll live it when our children go to college or we lose 10 pounds or we retire.
We’re in jobs or relationships that we’re half-hearted about or we sit and watch reality TV for hours instead of getting out and really living our own lives.
As a mother, I’m constantly checking to make sure that I’m striving to live my A game. So that that’s what my children (especially my daughters) see me doing. I want to make sure that I’m showing them – by example – what a life well-lived looks like.
The funniest material is always the most honest material. This is one of the greatest lessons I’ve learned. Making people laugh and living a really satisfying life both require you to be AUTHENTIC. To be true to yourself. Think George Carlin. Think Chris Rock. Think Wanda Sykes after her divorce. Faking it doesn’t work in stand up comedy and it definitely doesn’t work in real life. If you’re trying to be something you’re not, you’re not living your best life. If you’re trying to please anyone other than yourself, you’re living someone else’s life and wasting your own life as a result.
As Steve Jobs’ said in his 2005 Stanford University Commencement address,
“Your time is limited so don’t waste it living someone else’s life.”
In that same speech, he talked about how invaluable it had been in his life to follow his curiosity and intuition. He encourages you to find what you love to do and to not settle until you find it. You will know it when you find it.
Know Your Audience . Unless you’re Dane Cook and can fill Madison Square Garden, as a stand up comic you’ll have comedy clubs that really suit you and your material and some places where you’re almost guaranteed to bomb! I’ve always done gigs in New York comedy clubs which for the most part are a good match for me and my material. Having said that, some of them are a better match for me than others. This is true in life as well as comedy. You are always going to be happier when you’re with people who love you for who you are. With whom you can be 100% yourself. They are your tribe. Go find them.
“The fact is that you’ll find your own North Star [your best life] peopled not with folks you merely like but those you genuinely adore. These people will share your passions and ideals. Their essential selves are likely to fit beautifully with yours. They are your tribe.” … Martha Beck
Dealing with Hecklers In comedy and in life, you’ll come across people who think they know what’s good for you or that they know better than you. This is what Martha Beck calls your “everybody”. As in “everybody thinks I’m lazy”. “Everybody” usually ends up being one or two people and, more often than not, it’s your mother!
As Katie Goodman (author of “Improvisation for the Spirit”) says,
“There will invariably be people who don’t accept you. And in that case, you must be your own badass self, without apology.”
Unfortunately, YOU are often your own heckler.
You’re on stage half-living your life and simultaneously in the audience heckling yourself. You have internalized what you think other people think and you’re living your life with a constant chatter of judgment and criticism going through your mind.
There are many wonderful coaching tools for catching yourself when you’re doing this and which help you to replace the critical thought with a non-judgmental thought that is equally believable for you. In “Improvisation for the Spirit”, Katie Goodman has a great exercise for gagging your inner critic which I’ll talk more about in another posting. The ultimate conclusion is that you replace your inner critic with an inner coach.
I love this quote from “Improvisation for the Spirit”:
“I retrained my inner critic to be like that character from the movie The Bird Cage: Hank Azaria’s fabulous, gay, Guatemalan houseboy. My new inner coach now has a thick, flamboyant Latino accent and says things like, “Honey! Choo need a break! Look at choo! Choo need some rest and a ped-i-cure. Go. Go take some time off, girl.” The humor of it helps me, and the tone helps me get me what I need.”
My inner critic turned inner coach has assumed the persona of Tom Jones and, whenever the negative crap starts whirling in my head, he starts to sing: “What’s new pussycat? Woah, Woah”. It does the trick of undermining whatever negative judgment I was making and he then goes on to tell me just what I need in those rich, Welsh baritones of his!
Improvise – “Yes and” instead of “Yes, but”. I recently started Improv classes at the People’s Improv Theater in New York and I LOVE IT!!! A cardinal rule of improv is the concept of “yes and”. The idea that you never negate what your improv partner says to you. You listen to what they say and affirm and add something else. “Yes and …”.
In real life, we often have big dreams and even bigger buts! We want to be ………………………………… (fill in your dream) BUT ………………………………(fill in your excuse). Martha Beck calls this the Isle of Yeah But and frequently tells her clients that their but(s) are too big!
When the writer Tina Fey was moving from Chicago to New York to work at Saturday Night Live, she found a folder that had notes from when she was studying improv. The quotes were some of the rules of “improv” that the teacher had given to them. When she found the folder, she realized that taking that class had completely changed her life.
Some of the quotes were:
“Greet everything with “Yes, and …””
“Make statements instead of putting the burden on others with questions.”
“Stay in the present, as opposed to focusing on the past or future.”
“The fun is always on the other side of a yes.”
Tina Fey says that she’s shocked when she meets someone whose first instinct is “No, how can we do that? That doesn’t seem possible”. Her response is “Yeah of course you can. There’s no choice. And even if you abandon one idea for another one, saying yes allows you to move forward.
So next time you catch yourself thinking or saying “yeah but” replace it with “yes and”.
Get On Stage (until you find the gigs you really want, do Open Mics) At the end of the day, if you want to be a stand up comic, you’ve got to get on stage. You’ve got to DO something. That’s true whatever you want to be in life. You’ve got to get out there and do it. Get on the “stage” of whatever it is you want in whatever way you can.
Enjoy Your Time on Stage! In comedy and in life, you only have a certain amount of time on “stage”. Make every second count.
As a mother, one of the things I’m proudest of is that all 3 of my children (ages 10, 7 and 3) are showing signs of great senses of humor. They crack me and each other up on a regular basis. What I love is that they know when they’re doing it and you can see the sheer glee they experience when a funny face or voice has the desired effect.
If I teach them nothing more than the value of laughing hard and often, I will consider my job as a mother well done!
Elizabeth Gilbert muses on the impossible things we expect from artists and geniuses — and shares the radical idea that, instead of the rare person “being” a genius, all of us “have” a genius. It’s a funny, personal and surprisingly moving talk.
A much-loved family tradition for the past few years has been our annual trip to the Big Apple Circus at Lincoln Center in New York City. We used to live near Lincoln Center – it’s where my oldest daughter learned to walk – and I would often see the performers from the Circus in the supermarket or post office. 
I just returned from the final part of my Master Coach training with Martha Back. It was referred to as the “intensive” part of the training and that word describes it on every level. It was an extraordinary experience and I left feeling as if every cell in my body had lined up to its perfect position. 
I started doing Stand Up Comedy almost a decade ago. It was something I’d always wanted to do and becoming a mother made me determined to finally stop talking a big game and actually do it!
